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recent entries "My take on Thanksgiving" "Belichick used results from dynamic programming!" "I know he's not to blame, but..." "In sickness and in health..." "Fall Beautiful"
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Mar 03, 2009 things fall apart…This title is an absolute understatement when it comes to the graduate experience. Most of us come to MIT with it all together, which is why we are here right? But as a first year most of us feel like everything is falling apart, we can’t find a group, we find a group don’t like the research, we like the research can’t find funding, classes are 3x as hard as undergrad, we feel like undergrads, we take the quals, fail even though we have already taught and taken classes that are the EXACT same, we pass quals but don’t know if a PhD is for us, we like the PhD but cannot get through the masters work, we get through the masters work but cant figure out what to do for the PhD, our goldfish dies, we buy a dog, we move off campus, because its too expensive on campus, our bike gets stolen….you get the drift. THINGS FALL APART! Its like you come to a place where ambiguity and ambivalence are normal. I know for myself that I have a low tolerance for two things, ambiguity and failure. And I feel like since I have been here I have experienced more of the former than I would have liked. Let’s take the quals for example. I took my written exams last spring, after studying the whole semester, sitting in on two undergrad classes, teaching one of them, doing all the practice exams back to the ’60’s, and studying relentlessly with a group every week and on my own every weekend only to get to the exam, get nervous and fail. I took the oral qualifier this week after revamping my study strategy and passed only to find out that my nephew passed away. I say all this to say that things do fall apart. But the great thing about it is that they can be put back together! There is a method to the madness and I belive that without struggle there is no progress. So I dedicate this blog to my nephew Johnson Trace Barringer (2/22/09) who I never got to hold in my arms, or watch take his first step, or hear him say his first words. But I know that there is a time for everything under the sun and purpose to each of life’s struggles whether professionally or personally. Things will fall apart, that is for sure, but we decide whether or not to pick up the pieces…Rest In Peace Trace.
3 Responses To This Entry:Post A Response
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Nice one joy!!Maybe picking up the pieces is what really defines us …
Posted by: Jaipreet on April 28th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Hang in there Joy. We all go through something like this in the middle of the Ph.D. and the point is that unlike undergrad, the “lost” feeling is a part of the Ph.D. itself… at least that is what I have gathered thus far.
Posted by: Grace on May 4th, 2009 at 1:05 am
My condolences on your loss, Joy.
Things fall apart, but I hope that you and your family are able to pick up the pieces in time.
Posted by: nakoruru on August 11th, 2009 at 4:21 pm